For a long time now, after my salvation, every time I’m asked, “Abbey, what attribute of God has been so real in your life?” I’ve always had one response: before June of this year, I always said, “That He loves me.”
Before I got to know the Lord Jesus Christ, my life was a mess – not externally, no. Internally. Externally, I had a resume of ‘hardworking, neat, organized’, and so on.
Internally, I struggled with fear – pathological fear, I’d like to think. Everything startled me: a knock at the door, the sound of a pin hitting the floor, the voice of my teachers, parade sessions at school, people, places and things, to say the least. Everything, to be precise. That said, joy was alien to me.
The night I gave my life to Christ, before responding to that altar call, I recounted the few years I had walked on the face of earth. I thought of the fear that dominated every iota of my being, and all I wanted was a new life. I wanted to have God in me. My heart was heavy. I was young but burdened with so much fear.
I received Christ on the eve of the new year, 2015. I would be lying if I said the redemptive power of love was instant, but what I know is that the Lord started teaching me about joy – slowly but sure. Trying to remember every detail of my life since 2015 would be burdensome, so allow me to focus on a few things.
Along the years, the Lord has been faithful in teaching me joy. Back in 2018, I felt as though in a pitfall as David once felt as recorded in one of the psalms. Life for me was hard; med school was a thorn in my flesh. The fear of the unknown kept creeping into the pockets of my heart. “…he left Him and waited to tempt Him again at an opportune time.”
I was scared of med school. I don’t know how to explain this for anyone to understand, but take it as plainly as it is: med school freaked me out. Everything seemed strange – from classes to the hostels, the people, the expensive Nairobi life – everything.
In my pit, the Lord flooded my heart with awareness of His love. I gained a deep understanding of what His love meant. (I’m glad to know I haven’t comprehended the entirety of its depth yet. There is much more for us). My heart became tender and warm to His love. Throughout the years, the Lord has been casting away the layers of my fear by His enormous love. “…for perfect love casts away all fear.”
The Lord empowered me to see life from a more positive perspective. He clothed me with a garment of praise. He filled me with so much joy.
See, life before Christ was hard and sad. Life with Christ may be hard at times, but it is joyous. For me, my greatest story of redemption is being able to rest assured of His love for me. The love that restrains me. The love and grace that teaches me to say no to ungodliness. Most importantly, the love that teaches me to repent when I err, instead of hiding.
Beloved, the love of God is exactly as Paul says just to paraphrase, “wide, deep and long.” Opening ourselves up to His love is very humbling because it demands we lay down every control we have and surrender to His love. This year, His love has taught me to believe the words, “The Lord is my refuge…”
My words are not enough to fully and clearly express of how I have experienced or heard about the love of God, but may John 3:16 shed light into our hearts: “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son…”
Now, think about that for a moment. Thereafter, think about this, “For what manner of love is this, that a man should lay down His life for His friends…”
Abbey James ( ◜‿◝ )♡