Sharing my mental health journey, to encourage, to show the importance of community in shaping our mental health and most importantly, to glorify God.
Our mental health is something we really assume. I used to be one of those people and used to ask myself, how does someone struggle with their mental health, like just be happy, and the sadness and depression will go away, right? I thought it was just that. I was naive. Till I found myself battling depression, anxiety and hopelessness all at once.
It all began when I learnt that I would be retaking anatomy. I’ve never felt as hopeless as I did. I dreaded being alive. Hopelessness was my daily bread. I didn’t see the essence of life, let alone living. I regretted being born. It was at that time, like Job, I wished for death but it never came.
Job 3:20-21 NIV
20“Why is light given to those in misery,
and life to the bitter of soul,
21 to those who long for death that does not come,
who search for it more than for hidden treasure,”
But God, as He always does, had an amazing plan for me. He sent amazing people my way who were very present at that time. They gave a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. The burden felt lighter and at last I had a glimmer of hope. The sun shone again in my world, and I could laugh again. What felt so heavy on my heart now felt as easy as breathing. It’s true what He said, that His yoke is easy and His burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30 NIV
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
He reminded me that He is God, and not I. I ran to Him and He embraced me with open arms. I clinged to Him more. I found myself spending more time in His presence, loving Him more and wanting more of Him. And I was happy again. And the enemy was shocked. What he thought would finish me actually made me grow closer to God. So that was a win, instead of crushing me and draining all my hope, it lead me closer to the Light. In the midst of that darkness I saw a great Light, He became My Light.
Matthew 4:16 NIV
16 the people living in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death
a light has dawned.”
However the joy was short-lived.😢 Two months later, I was in a worse scenario. My mother, my best friend, was gone. Now I was certain I couldn’t get over this. I knew that this would definitely crush me. It was like a punch in the gut that sent me fighting for my life. I decided that God didn’t at all care about me. I was so sure that He was punishing me for some reason. Is it because of the life I used to live before coming to Him? Or maybe someone put a curse on me? All the intrusive thoughts came flooding in, again. The voices in my mind were so loud, but again…. God.
I found myself receiving so much love from my friends, family and especially the MSCU. And in no time the happy cheerful beautiful little girl was back. “How were you able to get over that grief so fast?” they asked. “Didn’t you even love her?” “How come it’s not affecting you?” “I thought you wouldn’t survive this.” Oh yes, that’s what you thought, but my God is greater than you would think.
Once again, He showed me that He is God. That He is my God. That He sees, He knows and He cares. And that nothing catches Him by surprise. He knew that it would happen. He knows the end from the beginning. He is God. And that is what we often forget at times. When we face trials and challenges, we cry that God has forgotten us, that He doesn’t love us, that He’s for some reason punishing us, but no! That’s what the enemy wants us to think.
As Job said;
Job 2:10 NIV
Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.
And let us know that He is actually God. He knows everything, He knows the why(though we might never get it). I look back and I’m grateful because I realise He was always present. Every single time. Whether I felt His presence or not, whether I asked for His help or not. He was there all along. And He will always be there. He will never leave us nor forsake us.
Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV
8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
If you’re struggling with your mental health, I want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to ask for help. But most importantly, turn to Him. He is more than willing to help you, but only if you let Him. Let this be an encouragement to you child of God. No He hasn’t left you, no He is not punishing you, and no, He hasn’t forgotten about you. He sees you, He knows you, He loves you and He cares for you. Refuse to be a slave to those intrusive thoughts. They should not control you. Refuse to be a slave to depression and fear. They shouldn’t control you as well. Our hope and identity should be in Him alone. Our circumstances do not define us, only He does. Rest in that beloved.
With so much love,
Brenda Wanyama.