August 12th 2025, 11.04 AM
Helpless
Gotta admit,
at times I feel helpless.
Almost always
it happens when I’m with my grandfather.
He’s sick.
And I’ve been traveling with him
mostly to hospitals.
Sometimes he says
he’s feeling so much hotness
he can’t bear it –
even when everyone else feels cold.
Other times he says
he’s feeling “hivi hivi,”
and can’t explain it.
He just mumbles
inaudible things,
and I know
it’s either pain
or something only he understands.
Like right now as I write this,
I don’t know how to help him —
even as a medical student,
leave alone a caretaker.
Such moments
make me helpless.
Today
I was woken up at 3 am.
He wasn’t feeling well.
He was crying.
Not saying anything.
Just restless.
Everyone looked at me.
I checked his blood sugar —
the glucometer wrote: LO.
Very low.
I gave him something to eat,
and he became okay.
Later, Uncle said,
imagine you weren’t around,
how would we have known?
But even that
doesn’t take away the helplessness —
especially when he asks
about his cancer,
about how long
he will keep taking medication,
and I don’t have answers.
November 5th 2025, 12.20 PM
Aching
How far can you be, oh Lord?
It devastates me
Watching him at the corner
Calling you day and night
Like he has all the years before
But this time, for himself.
Not for others.
How far do I have to doubt my faith
Because I can’t see you now
Because I can’t hear you answer
Like you always did for others
How long do I have to be helpless
And keep praying but with little faith
That you will get it done this time
Because science gets in the way
And sometimes, it’s too disputing
I don’t know how this is going to turn out,
And I’m afraid,
But please be here with me now,
Let your presence be the final answer,
A strength to hold me through this difficult time.
4th March 2026, 11:43 pm
Faith
How easily can faith be shaken?
Even I myself don’t believe it.
But you’ve gotta see where I’m coming from.
That can wait first.
I got a call from mum.
He fainted today
After fasting for a whole day and half —
Hypoglycemia, I deduced.
He’s been well since December.
For the first time, I’ve had peace.
So why did he have to do that?
Lord,
Do you hear him only when he fasts?
He keeps quoting that verse —
*this kind doesn’t come out except by prayer and fasting.*
Some literature says
The fasting part was added later
To make us fast more.
I rarely fast.
But you still hear me, right?
Please don’t take me back
To the hell I’ve lived through
This past year.
Don’t let the faith I’ve gathered
These last few months
Slip through my fingers.
Right now
I can sit with him
And talk scripture –
He’s the one who introduced me to it
When I was just a little boy.
He’s happy.
Healthy.
Strong.
And I keep reminding him
About diet,
About medication,
About balance.
For the first time in a long time
I can say
I’ve seen your greatness in my life
And mean it.
Please –
Don’t take it back.
Just the other day
I complained that
**Books of Chronicles** chapters 1–7 are boring.
Names.
Repetition.
What’s there to read?
Until I learned the history.
After exile,
They were wondering who they were.
If they still belonged to You.
So You gave them genealogy.
Names upon names –
A reminder:
I am still with you.
What a motivation.
Silent battles indeed.
Thanks, G.
For always reading
And listening.
~ Malusi