She was charismatic, and her energy was contagious. She was pretty, and her eyes were bright. She was funny, and her memes were even funnier. She was open minded, and all I longed to talk to her endlessly. She was intelligent, and her unwavering trust in God was clear. She was what most people would say: a woman after God’s own heart. Her beauty wasn’t just in her appearance, but moreso in the way she lived her life.
I strongly believed that she was meant to be a part of my life. She seemed to keep crossing my path and drawing me in. Had I been a believer, I would have wondered whether this is someone God wanted me to be with. But still, how could I know for sure? I didn’t really have an intense attraction towards her but every time we spoke, she left me yearning for more.
She was the kind of girl whose heart was so close to God that a man would have to find Him to pursue her. Her faith was rooted not in her own abilities, but in God’s limitless power. She often said that prayer was her love language.
Even though I couldn’t comprehend everything that was bustling in my mind, I found comfort in knowing that God had a plan for my life. Every tomorrow on earth and beyond was in His hands. Even though I could never figure it all out, He had it all wired. This was, however, easier said than done. I was deeply flawed, and it was hard not to feel undeserving of her attention or friendship. Compared to her love and devotion to God, my life was such a mess.
I knew very well that there was only one way to her heart, so that particular Friday evening, I went to the service. Yes, I had read the Bible. I knew most of the verses and gospel songs. I had been content with just that, and all I wanted was for her to see me go kneel at the altar and say that I wanted to give my life to Christ. But I couldn’t shake off the guilt gnawing at me…
“Why do you want to be saved?” I could almost hear the pastor ask, though he was yet to say a word. If I were to be honest with myself, I hadn’t come for Christ; I had come for her. My “conversion” was a calculated move in an attempt to impress her.
That unspoken question pierced through my façade. I realized the truth: whatever I was doing was driven by a selfish, self-serving desire – a counterfeit to true faith. The voice I heard wasn’t God’s, but my own, a reflection of my flawed intentions.
A wave of guilt washed over me. I had been so focused on impressing her that I had forgotten the most important thing: my relationship with God. The realization was painful but liberating. Now I only had to free myself from the burden of pretense and seek God for His own sake.
Finally, I closed my eyes with a newfound sincerity. I no longer sought to impress anyone. I came to Christ because I needed Him ~ because I wanted to know Him. As I knelt in prayer, I felt a sense of peace and joy wash over me. It was a genuine surrender, a heartfelt acceptance of God’s grace.
“For it is by grace through faith that we are saved.”
Now, brethren, like myself, some of us may have sought salvation not because we were ready to accept Christ as our personal savior, but because of other selfish motives. The Scripture foresaw that God would justify the Gentiles – people like me, and by extension, you – by faith, and it announced the gospel in advance to Abraham: “All nations will be blessed through you.” (Galatians 3:8)
Even after the realization, we might think of ourselves as undeserving. But Paul goes on to remind us “For if the inheritance depends on the law, then it no longer depends on a promise; but God in his grace gave it to Abraham through a promise…so those who have faith are blessed along with Abraham, the father of faith.”
Since that moment, I have come to know that He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Now that I am in Him and He in me, I am a new creature. The old had passed away. The LORD himself goes before me and will be with me; He will never leave me nor forsake me. He assures me, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)
Malusi (•‿•)