When the empty wretchedness came again, I had just arrived from a blissful Friday fellowship. It’s as if it had been waiting for me at my doorstep. For no sooner had I arrived, than I dropped from a ten to a negative ten.
My heart was aching and tearing apart; my head was crushing; my memories were faded, my body was stiff and inwardly heating and my emotions almost entirely blown off. I didn’t even know what it felt like. The best I would describe it is that it felt like death; as if the Almighty had taken a step away from me for a long gruesome moment.
The moment was unbearable. I would do anything to be out of it. But there was seemingly no way out. Not even my best of friends who were a call away would be of help in this situation. Not even the PCM that lay on my desk. Even my very roommate was not gonna be of any help in this scenario.
I almost thought of plunging a knife into my chest, maybe it would bring relief to my wretched heart. But I couldn’t bear the thought of death itself. Wasn’t it bad enough as it was?
I knew what I needed most at this very moment. (For the Lord had used the long seasons before this day to teach me better) I just needed the Lord to carry me through. To hold me through the darkness, for I could not face it. I was helpless without Him; Utterly left for distraction. I had nowhere to turn to apart from to Him. To Him who I knew had allowed this to be happening. Yet to him only could I hold on. To Him only who I had learnt and was still learning to trust.
And this was all I could say “But as for me, I am poor and needy; come quickly to me, O God. You are my help and my deliverer; Lord, do not delay.” (Psalm 70:5)
I didn’t plunge nor hold the knife, nor am I planning ever to. Though such wretched days do come sometimes, sometimes more often than I would wish to imagine. But the Lord is surely my deliverer. And he will sustain me time and again.
However, I haven’t always been this trusty.
When it all started going down, my ailing had been the climax. In those days, death always seemed very close and very admirable. Sometimes the fevers would come in too strongly that I thought they would melt my heart away.
But wouldn’t I go to be with the one I longed to behold? Furthermore, earth had nothing for me. Wasn’t I too stricken to be of use on earth? And it was getting worse by the day that I thought I would be bedridden sooner than later. (Thankfully, I am still running almost an year later) For in my judgement, I was no longer being a blessing even to those in our household, leave alone to those in the ends of the earth: only a burden!
A few months later, the perception had changed. I was realizing that probably I had nothing to be commended for in my death. Would the Lord really consider me a good and faithful servant? I doubted it. For as it seemed, I was just tired of his assignment and was seeking a way out. I was being selfish too: only thinking of myself and continuing with my self centered faith.
“I would rather be dead. For then I would be free from so much sorrow and misery!”
I would also often quote the words of the apostle Paul, “For me to live is Christ to die is gain.”
But unlike Paul, did I love others the way he did? See what he thinks about this matter:
[23] I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; [24] but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. [25] Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, (Philippians 1:23-25)
THAT WAS THEN…
A few months later, I was suddenly struggling with trust issues. I couldn’t really get myself to trust the Lord. For the thought that he would allow me to be afflicted from almost every end made me question his character. I knew He existed, but I was afraid I didn’t know whether I loved Him anymore. But worse was the thought that I needed to trust him. I knew what it would look like to surrender: I was almost sure he would atleast allow me some more affliction to test my heart. But hadn’t I had enough? Yet whether I surrendered willingly or not, I knew I had to. For he loved me too much to allow me continue with my white washed surrender. And hadn’t I been the one always asking to be transformed unto Christlikeness? To be conformed to his will? To be transformed and formed by him? Now why was it becoming so hard to yield to Him?
I am learning to trust Him. I am realizing that where the Lord leads, there he graces. (No matter how it feels, or doesn’t even feel, the Lord does not leave us nor forsake us.) I dread to imagine what it felt like that Christ would say “My father, why have you forsaken me” But we never have to face that; for he was crushed for our iniquities. That we could enjoy his constant presence.
And there’s no better place to be than in his will. And there’s no better place to be found than where he leads.
Where the Lord leads, there I shall be found. But maybe I just don’t know yet what I am saying. But there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than with Him.
[25] Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. [26] My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. [27] Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. [28] But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds. Psalms 73:25-28 NIV
~🫒
