I’ve thought hard about what to write. I better understand the position of between a rock and a hard place with reference to the Titanic string ensemble, which played Nearer my God to thee as the ship sank. Don’t wonder, my reader, on my obsession with the Titanic. My mind can’t help but wonder of seasons that felt like arranging seats at the deck of the Titanic, or better, like the Titanic string ensemble, where doing your best is not enough.
Growing up, I loved being outdoors. Brought up in upcountry, football, adventure and mischief were the order of the day. By other parents’ standards, I was the role model to their kids. Presumably, my prowess in academics painted a picture of a perfect kid to them, and I took in all the praise, because back at home, I was far from being the star boy. It hardly passed a week without undergoing corporal punishment. Reason? Oh my, there were many reasons. I’d sneak out in the morning to play football when asked not to, then came back late in the evening after my curfew of 6pm. Moreover, I’d tear things apart, from radios, to circuit boards, extensions, name them. I remember one time when I tried lighting up a bulb with a modified phone charger only to be launched away by an electricity spark. These, and many other reasons sealed my weekly, at times daily, fate to “face the music”.
‘Facing the music’ became a norm, as so did my maladaptive behavioral response to the pent-up emotions. On the façade, I seemed to have got used to being disciplined, to the point I climbed up cypress trees to pluck thin branches for use in the weekly dosage. However, I succumbed to mental looping. This refers to persistent repetitive cycles of thoughts that often involves negative and unproductive thinking patterns which are difficult to break. Mental looping leads to anxiety, difficulty in concentrating and sleep disturbances. This continued for a while, and receded in class seven, when I opted for a sedentary lifestyle, to stay at home, hence evading being late.
Fast-forward to campus, to the seasons that I gave my all, but it wasn’t enough. One such season was when I failed to meet my academic target. Well, a cum laude is one be thankful for, but my target was at least a magna. I had given my all, my time and resources, but it proved futile. I reverted to my childhood response of mental looping. My faith was shaken, my resolve battered, and my spirit shattered. I reminisce an instance where I used some curse words, a behavior alien to me, because I looked at the precious possessions I had, that I couldn’t smash. I then stormed out of my room with sacred music in my ears, and began taking a walk to nowhere.
I walked towards State House Road, up Dennis Pritt Road, to Cotton Avenue, and by the time I got to James Gichuru Road, I felt a wave of relief. The music, the greenery, the wind and my worked-out muscles seemed to have calmed me down. I continued with my walk along James Gichuru Road, to Waiyaki Way and back to Main Campus, UoN. By the time I was back, I had so much peace of mind. Since that instance, whenever I felt overwhelmed, I’d resort to sacred music, greenery, the wind, and worked-out muscles, subconsciously, until this year, when I learnt about defense mechanisms with response to stress and difficult emotions.
Around mid-2024, God placed such a heavy burden concerning love in my heart. Loving Him, loving myself, and loving others. Loving Him with all my heart, soul, and mind, and loving others as loving myself. It was quite counter-cultural for myself, a man, to dare mention being in a journey of self-love. In fact, I never mentioned it to my friends until this year, when I found a better phrase to coin it – discovery of self. It was a journey whose climax was a prayer retreat in February, when I studied the book of 1 John. What a book on love!
Back in high school, when a speaker was invited to speak about self-awareness, I slept like a child. One specific instance was when I lost a dear friend, and was, for a week, forced to counselling sessions alongside my schoolmates regarding our response to loss. Today, self-awareness with regard to my personality, attachment styles and defense mechanisms have helped me navigate volatile situations. For example, I have an architect personality, with weaknesses such as being needlessly harsh, dismissive of emotions, socially clueless and overly critical, which would cause me to brush shoulders with people. Forearming myself with knowledge about myself has helped me avoid confrontations to prove a point to the detriment of others’ emotions.
My transformation from mental looping to sublimation has been quite a fulfilling but challenging one. Sublimation is displacing our unacceptable emotions into behaviors which are constructive and socially acceptable. Whenever emotions boil, I storm out of my room, and just like about two years ago, sacred music, greenery, the wind, and worked-out muscles. Now I know that this something to pursue whenever I’m triggered to revert to mental looping. Moreover, God’s faithful promises have been my shield and buckler as in Psalms 91.
However, self-awareness is not to cause us to form an identity around them, to the extend we become functional around our dysfunctions. Rather, they should help us better respond to situations soberly, and exhibit godly character. Therefore, in our life titanic situations, if they call for being the Titanic string ensemble, be part of it, if they call for arranging seats at the decks of a sinking ship, do it. Only don’t be like Captain Edward Smith, who ignored warnings about icebergs and continued to sail at high speeds, sinking hundreds to the depths of the ocean.
~ArchSam, 2025©