This was the 10th session with Ms. Jane, my counsellor. Each worse than the previous since the very first day I came to her office, inconsolable and completely overwhelmed by the sorrows of life. Especially with school.
“Kimberly, We’ve gone over every issue that I’d think is the problem.” My counsellor interjected my crying with a defeated tone. “We’ve talked about your childhood traumas, we’ve dealt with the current stressors at school, we’ve talked about your attachment style and we’ve even done a test for depression and you don’t have depression. I don’t understand what the problem is anymore”
I took the fifth piece of dry wipes from the table to wipe my tears yet again. My eyes watered once again as I felt the ache in my heart rise. ‘Was she saying I can’t be helped?’ I felt the flicker of hope in my soul die off. I was a drowning man clutching at a straw. Yet in her words, I could only hear that I was beyond hope, she too was giving up on me. My crying had stilled as I waited for her to continue. She had to have some answers for me.
“Are you sure it was your own decision to join medschool?” concern showing in her big doe eyes.
“What?” I choked out.
“Are you certain you’re actually passionate about being a doctor? Because if you are passionate about something much as it may be difficult, it doesn’t drain you. If you really love medicine shouldn’t it fuel you?”
Her words cut like knives to the heart. The ground beneath my feet was swept away as I questioned my whole existence. It had to make sense, why else was I getting drained by the thing I claim to love? Perhaps I was never meant to be here. My eyes blurred, I couldn’t accept this newfound reality. ‘What did it mean? What should I do? What am I outside of medschool. I’d already spent and invested years into it? Did she want me to just quit?
Her small gentle voice interrupted my racing thoughts, “Being a doctor is no easy fit. Yet you’re only just in medschool with a whole career for a lifetime ahead of you? Are you sure you want to spend your whole life drained in a career you have no passion for?”
Truly no one one would want that. Everyone wants to be happy in their career, I too desire that. I ought to choose my happiness, right? What was the point giving of myself to this suffering when I couldn’t see the reward.
” I’ve been a patient many times,” Jane pressed on.
I wondered if the Lord was using her to pass this message to me. Otherwise why was she so keen to impress this message to me?
“It’s those doctors and nurses that have so little passion and are so drained that are so mean to patients you wonder if they are really supposed to be working in that place.”
Perhaps that did it for me, that’s the very last thing I wanted to be; a mean doctor with no compassion. Would it not be better to be in a different career and be happier and more compassionate and help more people in that space? Was there really hope for me to thrive in this pressure-coded environment?
Dearest reader, are you still reading this story of my life? What do you think I did? What would you do?😢
It was just a few weeks to my end of years exams. Just one and a half months left to be done with the year. I give thanks for despite the emotional instability, there is a stable head on my shoulders and I chose to finish those exams first, albeit imperfectly😭 I pushed this life altering decision to be made after the academic year was over. So I walked back home that afternoon, with a solution that I would walk away later.
It was that very evening that the Lord my help and my refuge paid a gentle visit to his despairing daughter. (Well… not in a dramatic way anyway)
In His word that evening, it spoke to me ever so loudly ;
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. (Isaiah 43:1)
In my thoughts, His Voice resounded so clearly than it ever heard it before;
‘I called you, that’s why you’re here. Remember how and why you chose to come here. Remember my promises to you. Call to mind He who holds your future. It is I who gives you a hope and a future.’
His promises echoed through the encouragement of my friend as they reminded me of the words of the Lord:
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)
My sorrows did not immediately dissipate, but I knew I was not supposed to quit. I could not quit.
As I called to mind the passion I had, the passion that although currently dim, was still burning in my heart, I realised that I was not alone. God was here.
Although my counsellor could not understand my predicament and would so easily give up on me, I realised that it was not the reality nor the truth. That which you love and are passionate about can sometimes deeply drain you. Especially in medicine. It doesn’t mean you don’t belong. 💗 I was not doomed to a lifetime of unfulfilment just because the current season was draining. It was just a season, and like all seasons it would end.😊
I am afraid the telling of my story must end here dearest reader.😊 Thank you for sticking through.
I am currently well if you’re wondering and I so happen to be hopefully thriving😊
This story is meant to let you know that if you happen to be discouraged in your journey in medschool especially cause of mental health, fear not. It happens, but it’s not the end for you are not alone.
He who has helped me, can help you too.
Yours in Christ, Anonymous🙏😊